How to Not Meet Men: A One-Step Guide.

Here’s a way to not meet men: Hang out consistently with 12 your best guy friends who can’t resist a dancefloor. Really. I do this all the time and it’s a foolproof deterrent, and exactly the reason I’m no closer to marriage.

And in this case, it’s not just the 1:4 ratio of girls to guys, though that alone is a reason enough to pass, it’s the fire burning on the dancefloor. The moves make this a compound problem. Because let’s lay it bare: no one wants to break up an intense round of double dutch (the rope is invisible), and you’d be crazy to interrupt the bobsled run happening towards the back of the bar. I can’t think of a single guy who’d brave the waters where a school of male sharks is circling some poor girl, preparing to attack. And it would be downright rude to interrupt a faux photoshoot wherein all my guys are unbuttoning each other’s shirts while the “paparazzi” are snapping their pics.

I know. I know. No red-blooded, even remotely acceptable man would touch this with a 10-foot pole. It’s social awareness 101. The first step is admitting I have (a huge) problem.

So, I’ve been doing my reading. Turns out, this belated social epiphany is right on: I am never going to meet a man in these shark-infested waters. I’m breaking Cosmo editor and professional wingwoman Christie Griffin’s first rule of Man Magnetism: Go out in groups of no bigger than three. In her article, “How to Be a Total Man Magnet,” (Don’t start with me. You read this post. I need this stuff.) she suggests not only smaller groups, but groups of girls. Fab. I’ve got my work cut out for me.

I’ll remember this the next time I’m watching a re-enactment of Cool Runnings at Joshua Tree.

Babysteps.